I find myself with too much time on my hands anymore and that usually ends in me remembering my old life. Today it was about my summer vacations at my uncles farm. Not only was this place heaven on Earth for me it was also one of the few places I got to ‘be a kid’. When I was younger my family did not appreciate my company much and I was sent off regularly, pretty much to anyone who said yes. If the destination was my uncles farm, I was a happy girl. The farm was fully functional, chickens, pigs, turkeys, ducks, geese and of course cattle and horses. My cousins and I would collect eggs every morning, in our shirts no less. The cow was milked and milk was put through a separator, cream and milk, everyday. I was younger than my cousins and would tag along as they did their chores. Everyday I woke up and thought about who i’d pester for the morning lol. One of my favs was feeding & watering the chickens, ducks etc, and milking the cow, as I always asked ‘squirt the cat!’ and the cat got squirted with milk but they never seem bothered by it. A large, from my small point of view anyway, lake was not too far from the house and sure enough everyday I’d make it out there at least once. Through the bush down a trail to the waters edge, with very little effort on my part. And regardless of the time of day i’d see birds, ducks, hawks, swans, sandpipers… you get the idea. I needed no binoculars or glasses, the birds were crystal clear and I could identify all. The prairie summer was hot and windy and every day was a new adventure. I frequently raided the garden, because strawberries and carrots taste the best when just picked, and beans and pea pods were eaten whole, life was good.

    Nowadays just thinking about those wonderful times is excruciating, because even if I manage to get to the farm I can no longer do those wonderful things. Walking through bush, uneven ground and climbing through barb wire fences is just not possible anymore. This is where my heart breaks, because these are the things I love doing, exploring, birding & riding a bike or quad over the countryside, breathing in that non-city air. I was very much alive and had no concept of not being able to do that when I wished. I dislike the city and I very much hate being inside, even in the winter. Before RAD I loved the outdoors & the cold didn’t bother me much, sitting in the sun causes blistering now. Everyday there’s a period of self loathing when I hate my body, this disease and what I am now, and now more than a year later I still can’t accept it. Memories are a wonderful thing…. too bad so many cause me to cry.


One thought on “Remembering…

  1. I saw an interesting group of comments by people with chronic disease (mostly RA I think) where they all said they would not wish the disease on anyone, except a few who wished their doctors could experience it for a short time, just so they would know how it feels.

    Luckily I have a doctor who has great empathy. That helps.

    Your farm memories sound wonderful. You reminded me of years ago when we would go for picnics in the schoolyards of the country schools. We would often play baseball in the cow pastures. I should have appreciated that more . When you’re a kid you take health for granted.

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