Not having a good time of it lately, on Friday I almost felt normal. Had low pain, if any and was baffled by the sensation of it. I hoped it would last and I did as much as I could, but no, back to pain on Saturday. The weekend was filled with the usual, looking at everything that needed done and just sighing my resignation. The house I’m currently in is much too large, along with a yard and single car garage there is no way this rheumie could take care of it all. When I moved here in Dec 2010 I was healthier and my son still lived at home, it made more sense then. Today I found myself in my sons old room, crying, my home had no point in my thinking, why bother? With any of it? Along with that I noticed the amount of stuff I had, and its lack of usefulness now. When I was healthy it would be nothing to take care of a 3 floored home and a yard, and I did. Things have changed much to my dislike 😦 and what I need in a home has changed drastically. Now I need 1 floor (stairs kill me every time) a neat and organized space for a few things, I own all my appliances, but now moving them is extremely difficult. I bought furniture in 2011 for the finished basement, looking back if I’d known how little it would be used I’d saved that $ instead :(. I’m going to try my best to reduce the stuff I buy and sell the excess, even though I’ll never get what I paid. My hurting heart is another story, I’m not sure how to make everything right again, to be happy and move forward. I feel haunted by the past and try as I might, I cannot shake it. Even my dreams are not off-limits to this torture, I dream of ppl and places that are no longer here and the dream itself is warped, wonderful places I’ve been distorted my the sub conscious mind. I’ve often wondered if I moved out of this city permanently, if the bad juju would go too. To find relief from hell the prospect is interesting at least. Edmonton has grown from @300,000 to 1 mil over the last 30 yrs, I remember the big small town feel it had then. Now the oil sands run this province, high crime, high rent, high cost of living, at the same time not everyone here works in oil. If leaving here would give me relief from twisted dreams and memory hell, I’d be all for it. I’m not sure that’s how it works though, here I lay bewildered by the world, my life and how things use to be. I have to wonder if it’s these damn RA meds causing me all this grief.