These hands

This post drifts through time a bit, please bear with me. When I was young 9-10 or so I remember admiring my hands, fascinated with everything I could do with them, trying to wrap my head around the fact that one day my hands would be still and cold and what a loss that would be. I never imagined in life my wonderful hands wouldn’t cooperate or that moving them would cause pain. Thank goodness for the innocence of youth, to have known that then would’ve caused serious mental anguish and I had enough of that as a kid. I was lucky in a sense, my Mom had a garage full of materials and hardware for building whatever I imagined and created some cool stuff, with these hands. Summertimes at the farm were filled with exploring the pasture and the nearby lake, climbing through barbed wire was 2nd nature, flipping over rocks to flush out garter snakes, which I caught without fear πŸ˜€ raiding the garden for a snack and pretty much what ever I could get into, it was awesome. I worked physical labour jobs as a teenager (I moved away from home @16) that never phased me, in fact I loved it. A desk job would have driven me crazy! Moving was a way of life, after 2 children it became even moreso, chasing them and keeping up was a job in itself. I took for granted my abilities, but I’m so very glad I had them then. It was the yr my kids turned 20 & 18 when I was diagnosed, they did’nt need me so much by then, but that was the time where I needed my body to back me up. My kids have a life of their own and asking them for help is not a realistic option nowdays. I miss cooking most nights, funny how gross take out becomes after awhile. I miss the great skill my hands use to have, more a clumsey awkwardness with them now, but they still serve me to the best of their ability. When I look at my hands now it’s often with pity for they have been shortchanged, I step back and let someone else do the handywork when I know if I was well my hands would be kicking ass.

I can’t help it, I miss doing some things. Screw you RA!

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3 thoughts on “These hands

  1. mkupl79 says:

    I enjoyed reading about your memories. I, too, remember cooking and crocheting with both my grandmothers, baseball with the boys, playing the piano. I was a nurse, and it’s so sad that in the last months of my career I could not start an IV, check someone’s sugar, etc etc.
    Don’t you love people who tell us to use our hands more, take up a hobby we used to love, that it would be “good therapy” for our hands? If only they knew the pain it caused. If only they knew how impossible that hobby was…or else we’d continue it! ❀

    • racanuck says:

      I’m sorry you had to give up a great career because of AI disease, all that hard work and not being able to use those skills, I can’t imagine… All that ‘good therapy’ and my hands would shut down, the exercise more line is classic, sorry but for us its not a good thing, we’re lucky we can move at all on any given day 😦 I wish it was that easy.

  2. Larrah says:

    Beautifully written. Especially the memories and good times. I can totally relate. Sadly, so many of us RA’ers feel this same sense of loss. Daily trying to refresh, renew and restore hope. Hugs sent your way!!

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