The week before…

This is the last week of my 30’s, I turn 40 next week. Its been a monumental spiritual growth year for me because of the big number I’m turning, I’ve changed what I will do in the future. Firstly, I’m leaving my past exactly where it is. No more reaching out to folks, I want very little of my time wasted on people who weren’t really friends/family with me to begin with. This was a problem I had, always being friendly accepting and chipper, no more. My ex husband is also banished to this mental behind the fence area, he hasn’t contacted his children in years and I’m done wasting any time thinking about him. Familiar BS, as in my family treating me like shit, no more. My intimate relationships are being held up to a higher standard too, I better see some good ole change or I’m out, tired of bullshit & promises broken. Sounds awful but I’ve actually freed myself from a lot of heartache doing this, this emotionally abused dirty doormat is done.

Rheumatology wise, I have gotten worse. Its been a gradual decline but I notice it. I am able to do less, have more pain and as a result more depression and anxiety because of the decline in my health. It wasnt an overnight omg things are worse kind of thing, just something I’ve noticed over the last year. I see other rheumies happily chatting about how many miles they ran today, all I can think about is how much my left hip hurts f I move any part of my body. If you are in the same situation as me you may have experienced blinding pain, where everything goes white and you yell because you can’t help it. That’s my hip, just one joint, brings me to tears. I really do wish I could move, movement is important to human beings and if you can’t get around something is lost, your psyche knows it.

My children are my joy, they do not understand how sick I am right now and that’s a good thing. They have time to figure out who/what they want to be. A quest in life that doesn’t need to be bogged down by worrying about Mom. They joy I have about watching and listening to them learn new things, new experiences, is priceless. Both are healthy, strong and focused. Most of all loving, what more could a parent want?

Hopes for a warm Autumn and less pain ~

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My wits run out.

What is a tack thats lost its point? A flat boring piece of metal.

That’s how I feel these days, a flat pointless tack. My brain fog has me so flustered, I feel like breaking things. I’m not sure if that’s normal but I don’t really give a shit. When the pain and stiffness started years ago I always had my fallback, my wit. It kept my sanity along with a bottomless pitcher of sarcasm. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, humour made it bearable. Recently I’ve been feeling too scatterbrained and doozey, more than ‘usual’. It’s a bit much really. I’m easily frustrated these days too, my stress has risen because of this ‘fog’. I’m po’ed about it, and I’m dreaded what is next, it’s taken enough. That greedy bastard.

Another brick in the wall?

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I forgot to mention, I’ve been slacking off of my meds lately and as a result friday I felt as though I was thrown into a brick wall. I also noticed something else the last 10 days or so, my appetite came back. I was actively seeking out food, BAD food, and put on a few lbs as a result. I’ll give it to ya auto-immune disease, one of the rarities where having an appetite is a bad sign of sorts. No appetite to me = meds are working, appetite = bad things going on because you’re not sick from the meds working? That make sense at all? I hope so. Wish I could fight this disease head on, because I’d beat it to death several times over just to be sure.

~Namaste

The Watcher…

Ever feel like you’re watching everyone else live their lives? My life whether I like it or not revolves around how I’m feeling and what I can do on any given day. I have a few friends who are getting married, expecting children or planning on family shortly. I am on the cusp of middle age, don’t plan on getting married again, I’m no ring chaser, it’s not for me. It just seems like everyone is doing SOMETHING. I have to admit I envy the family my friends seem to have hit the jackpot on, lots of people seem close and connected, I never feel that way with my family. I would love to have the freedom to make plans perhaps have another child, travel and go out, but realistically it’s just not possible. I use to be the kind of person who made plans months in advance and a had at least 3 trips per year planned out ahead of time. Everyday was a new adventure without limits. It’s kinda cool that many people nowadays find love, family and companionship at an older age, a few years ago it was common to think that anyone over 40 was screwed and would never get married if they haven’t yet. One old stereotype I will not miss!

Depression and woe…

I have to admit, my mental health has suffered greatly since my diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I had battled depression & anxiety before I was diagnosed and now, well, it’s a lot worse. I have terrible bouts of hopelessness and feeling useless to the world which is now my reality. My son moved out May of ’12, I still sometimes feel that loss, I know kids can’t live at home forever but I was hoping for a little longer. My kids are/were my world and them growing up is another challenge I face in this life. It’s not easy to be a parent, kids change your life the moment you have them and it’s a constant evolution as they grow. That being said I don’t handle change well and I consider that a huge flaw in myself, it needs constant work. It honestly feels like I need to become someone completely different, am now a chronically ill mum bordering on empty nester. My daughter still lives with me and I enjoy all the time I can have with her, I know it will be hard when she decides to leave the nest. I hope between now and then I have better coping skills. As you could see by my last couple posts I’m not faring well on the mental health front, I do try my damnedest to not sink so low, it’s my mid-life crisis I guess, enhanced by RA & me feeling pretty useless compared to what I use to do. I took great pride in fixing and doing things on my own, I was self sufficient and tenacious, I got shit done. I feel like a shadow of my former self, I still get stuff done but not as much as I use to. And that irritates the hell out of me. Between being sick, fatigued and brain fogged to the point I forget as quick as the thought entered my head. I end up getting up from my chair and as soon as I stand up I forget why I stood up to begin with. I have to think hard on what I was going to do, it usually comes, eventually.

Mental illness still has plenty of stigma, when I was a teenager terms like anxiety/panic and depression did not exist. There was just something wrong with you and parents, medical professionals, teachers made sure you knew that. It was brutal going to school with these problems haunting me and no one cared, just got labelled as ‘off’ or ‘screwed up’ or my personal favourite, weird. When I got older and had kids it really spiralled out of control, hormones only exasperate mental illness. I finally at 21 yo got to see a mental health professional who helped me understand it was a disease and not a personality flaw. Most people don’t share their mental health issues and I know why, your ‘friends’ will make comments behind your back about how you’re fucked up in the head, if you havent experienced it you just don’t understand. I pray to God to relieve me of this burden that makes me break down so often, it is a disease and so far the meds available have not helped me much or turned me completely psycho, aggressive and just someone who is dangerous to others. antidepressants are powerful medications that work differently on everyone who uses them, I’m just curious as to why none of them are my knight in shining armour.

I’ll keep trying new medications as they become available because I’m too stubborn to give up hope that one day my mind will be eased and I can enjoy life. And stop focusing too much on what I can no longer do.
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Slipping off the rope …

I’m in a big ole hole thinking too much, thing is what I think about is important, just very distressing. I try very hard not to think about ‘family’ too much, but it’s kinda hard when it’s always being thrown in your face, by tv, social media and the like. Thing is the only family I have are my Mom & my kids, the other people who like to pop in every few years just for something to do I guess, are not my family. They know nothing about me and don’t care to, hell if ‘family’ was so damn important why did no one mention to me or my mother that her brother, my uncle, DIED last year??? I don’t get it, I never hear boo from anyone, my sister was invited to a family reunion this spring. Guess who got invited recently because they FORGOT I existed, if I am an oversight 99% of the time, why the hell antagonize me with oh we just want family to know family, bullshit. Apparently it was not that important that I or my mother to know my uncle had died because no one bothered to let us know. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened, with my family and my extended family. My ex in-laws are nowhere to be seen for my kids sake, it’s like their Dads & his side of the family just fell off the face of the earth. I’m assuming much here but considering my ex’s skank’s spawn is on his list of FB friends, but his own daughter isn’t. I’m quite sure they’re doing their best as well to forget my kids are even on the earth. Anything ‘family’ turns me off and leaves a nasty taste behind, the last family reunion I went to in 1997 was only because my favourite uncle phoned me personally and asked me to come, he passed away in 2006 I miss him terribly. That one uncle and one other uncle were the only ones who knew who I was and cared to ask about me. No one else wanted me there, go figure. My one sister has made damn sure we were never a part of her or her kids life, they are strangers to me now. She left town when I was 13/14 and I haven’t spoken to her in the last 12 yrs or so. Her choice and that’s fine by me. Why have people in your life that constantly hurt you? no point.

Family is one of those things either you haveĀ or you don’t. There is no in between, there’s no repairing of 30+ years of indifference.

All I want is for the emotional pain to stop, the exclusionary feeling to go away and for me to find a place that makes me happy.

Not easy to do when you have no back-up. Everything hurts anymore.