Ahhh September, back to school days, I can go shopping during the day in peace now. Funny thing is both my kids (20&21)are taking college level courses, my son is starting his welding career (his 2nd ticket, hes already earned 1) and my daughter is moving onto her 2nd yr towards her red seal in culinary arts. I suspect when she has mastered that she will learn something else, the same goes for my son, once he gets too good at it, it begins to bore him. My daughter passed her road test the 2nd time around, she was so flustered at her first attempt, a murphys law scenario to be sure. She lost some confidence but got it back quickly and is now a licensed driver. I can’t express how happy and proud they make me, they’re my sunshine, completely. Now to get my sunny boy motovated to be licensed, he lives on his own & pays for his schooling. I have no complaints really. My girl is off for 3 weeks on Monday to Burnaby, B.C I’ll miss her.
What is a tack thats lost its point? A flat boring piece of metal.
That’s how I feel these days, a flat pointless tack. My brain fog has me so flustered, I feel like breaking things. I’m not sure if that’s normal but I don’t really give a shit. When the pain and stiffness started years ago I always had my fallback, my wit. It kept my sanity along with a bottomless pitcher of sarcasm. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, humour made it bearable. Recently I’ve been feeling too scatterbrained and doozey, more than ‘usual’. It’s a bit much really. I’m easily frustrated these days too, my stress has risen because of this ‘fog’. I’m po’ed about it, and I’m dreaded what is next, it’s taken enough. That greedy bastard.
It truly hurts to know or hear of anyone suffering. There are hundreds of processes in the human body that need to work ‘just right’ for humans to be mobile, think, rest, heal, you name it. If you really think about it, its miraculous so many people are upright and moving. Screw with any of these natural processes and it can throw you off course and into the abyss. I miss abilities healthy people take for granted, I am adhd and hyper (before I got RA). These feelings still exist but I have to ignore them, its torture. My inherent self wants to be moving, all the time. I miss the motion of life and feeling like I could do it all, but that’s not possible anymore. A big part of me wants to boot people who can move but just sit stagnant in the ass just for being lazy.
Appreciate what you can do, kick the arse of folks who can, but don’t do. I’d gladly take your mobility.
Yesterday was a voyage into hell, it felt like my legs had taken a shot-gun blast to them. I relented and took tramadol because the pain was difficult to hide, you know it’s bad when you cannot conceal it. The pain was relieved to a bearable level and managed to go out for a drive to a local park for some people watching. A little boy had his cat on a leash, have to say it was amusing because, well, it was a cat on a leash. 😀 Kitty did not cooperate and wanted to do his own thing (of course) its tail was flicking all over the place and the area is au naturel parkland with trees, birds, grass and plenty of room and that 6 ft leash did not cut it. The little boy was patient and tried to lead kitty back to their vehicle, it took awhile to get in that general direction. We were giggling and a couple of women walking up the path were too, what can I say, cat on a leash. 😀
It’s very important to get out and laugh, it felt damn good.
I forgot to mention, I’ve been slacking off of my meds lately and as a result friday I felt as though I was thrown into a brick wall. I also noticed something else the last 10 days or so, my appetite came back. I was actively seeking out food, BAD food, and put on a few lbs as a result. I’ll give it to ya auto-immune disease, one of the rarities where having an appetite is a bad sign of sorts. No appetite to me = meds are working, appetite = bad things going on because you’re not sick from the meds working? That make sense at all? I hope so. Wish I could fight this disease head on, because I’d beat it to death several times over just to be sure.
Ever feel like you’re watching everyone else live their lives? My life whether I like it or not revolves around how I’m feeling and what I can do on any given day. I have a few friends who are getting married, expecting children or planning on family shortly. I am on the cusp of middle age, don’t plan on getting married again, I’m no ring chaser, it’s not for me. It just seems like everyone is doing SOMETHING. I have to admit I envy the family my friends seem to have hit the jackpot on, lots of people seem close and connected, I never feel that way with my family. I would love to have the freedom to make plans perhaps have another child, travel and go out, but realistically it’s just not possible. I use to be the kind of person who made plans months in advance and a had at least 3 trips per year planned out ahead of time. Everyday was a new adventure without limits. It’s kinda cool that many people nowadays find love, family and companionship at an older age, a few years ago it was common to think that anyone over 40 was screwed and would never get married if they haven’t yet. One old stereotype I will not miss!
I have to admit, my mental health has suffered greatly since my diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I had battled depression & anxiety before I was diagnosed and now, well, it’s a lot worse. I have terrible bouts of hopelessness and feeling useless to the world which is now my reality. My son moved out May of ’12, I still sometimes feel that loss, I know kids can’t live at home forever but I was hoping for a little longer. My kids are/were my world and them growing up is another challenge I face in this life. It’s not easy to be a parent, kids change your life the moment you have them and it’s a constant evolution as they grow. That being said I don’t handle change well and I consider that a huge flaw in myself, it needs constant work. It honestly feels like I need to become someone completely different, am now a chronically ill mum bordering on empty nester. My daughter still lives with me and I enjoy all the time I can have with her, I know it will be hard when she decides to leave the nest. I hope between now and then I have better coping skills. As you could see by my last couple posts I’m not faring well on the mental health front, I do try my damnedest to not sink so low, it’s my mid-life crisis I guess, enhanced by RA & me feeling pretty useless compared to what I use to do. I took great pride in fixing and doing things on my own, I was self sufficient and tenacious, I got shit done. I feel like a shadow of my former self, I still get stuff done but not as much as I use to. And that irritates the hell out of me. Between being sick, fatigued and brain fogged to the point I forget as quick as the thought entered my head. I end up getting up from my chair and as soon as I stand up I forget why I stood up to begin with. I have to think hard on what I was going to do, it usually comes, eventually.
Mental illness still has plenty of stigma, when I was a teenager terms like anxiety/panic and depression did not exist. There was just something wrong with you and parents, medical professionals, teachers made sure you knew that. It was brutal going to school with these problems haunting me and no one cared, just got labelled as ‘off’ or ‘screwed up’ or my personal favourite, weird. When I got older and had kids it really spiralled out of control, hormones only exasperate mental illness. I finally at 21 yo got to see a mental health professional who helped me understand it was a disease and not a personality flaw. Most people don’t share their mental health issues and I know why, your ‘friends’ will make comments behind your back about how you’re fucked up in the head, if you havent experienced it you just don’t understand. I pray to God to relieve me of this burden that makes me break down so often, it is a disease and so far the meds available have not helped me much or turned me completely psycho, aggressive and just someone who is dangerous to others. antidepressants are powerful medications that work differently on everyone who uses them, I’m just curious as to why none of them are my knight in shining armour.
I’ll keep trying new medications as they become available because I’m too stubborn to give up hope that one day my mind will be eased and I can enjoy life. And stop focusing too much on what I can no longer do.