Back for some old and new.

I have not written about my rheumatoid arthritis in a while because it has not improved. But I can say what it has made worse. My depression. As my physical health goes down hill my mental health follows. I’ve been called all kinds of names but in reality those same people couldn’t handle a week of my life physically, never mind the mental anguish that accompanies it. Being depressed is a lonely road. If people have not experienced it it’s very hard to understand the darkness. My old coping mechanism for depression was going outside. For a walk, fishing, birdwatching even to the store, just to distract myself a bit. It usually worked and kept the worst of it at bay. I’ve lost that remedy for the blues.

I have also learned these last seven years how important it is to have a purpose. I don’t mean a career by that. By a certain point the pain and disability makes a career difficult. A purpose is something different in my view. It’s more of a ‘I’m needed’ feeling. 

When you lose your physical abilities you really start to ponder your ‘purpose’. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I’m at that place right now and it’s not easy. No part of RA, depression or any illness is easy, but no one mentions side effects like your mental health taking a dive.

My youngest moved out on her own this spring so I have that empty nester thing going on too.

If you are diagnosed with an illness do consider care for your mental health as well. It can be a tough road and just having someone to unload onto who is unbiased can help immensely. 

I’ll be adding more views on depression in the future. 

Enjoy the summer

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Spring 2014

   I definately have trouble writing much. I don’t want to be too depressing or real but BS and pissing rainbows is not happening either. I started cymbalta last November and experienced some much needed relief from pain. This one side effect is being annoying for me though, weight gain. I had lost 60 lbs over the previous year and a half before taking cymbalta and far to quickly after starting I gained back 25 lbs. I don’t feel I eat more than I did but it came from somewhere. Have to cut back even more to lose it again. Ugh.

Bloodwork in March showed my inflamation levels have dropped to normal levels. Great news. 15 months of enbrel, 2 yrs of mtx/plaquinil/sulfa did something anyway. Still feel like I was hit by a dump truck most days, why is fatigue still such a huge problem for us with AI disease, why do treatments not relieve this? Things I’d like to know.

The RA still lurks. It’s working its way down my right leg, started at my hip months ago. There’s nothing I can do but lay here and notice it. That pisses me off.

I miss biking.

Your strength.

Good day eh. Living with chronic illness is tough but time and pain has taught me much about patience. Before being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis I always expected a quick fix to any ailment I had. After diagnosis I quickly found out that the medications for RA do not work fast at all and can take months to show any positive effects. I have over time learned that with supplements too and also what I eat. Before getting ill I loved my food, ate lots of carbs and other crap, didn’t care about my weight or if what I was eating was making me feel gross with GI issues. But since losing my appetite for the most part I make sure to (most of the time) to put good fuel in for my body to use. It has made a difference in how I feel overall and empowers me in a sense that I’m helping my body do the best it can. Chronic disease can make you feel weak and powerless, no known cause or cure, what ifs and should have dones. Dumping most of the junk and greasy food did nothing but help me out. The fact that RA is linked to heart disease makes it easier to choose healthy foods.

Depression is another ghost that haunts me ceaselessly, that is a ongoing battle here. I was depressed before RA, afterwards when the disease started taking its toll is when I really got lost in my own thoughts. Uncertainty along with pain, heavy duty meds and the rampant misconceptions about RA can put the toughest soul on edge. I sometimes wonder if people are judging me because of depression when there is nothing I can really do about it, I take what’s prescribed for my depression and have tried any new medications that became available. I have been asked if I was diagnosed properly,  I’m pretty sure what I’ve been dealing with since the age of seven is depression and unless you’re a Dr or other professional don’t bother wondering. This is the reason I keep to myself most of the time, I refuse to be patronized and am smarter than most realize.

If I’m not online that is a good thing, I would much rather be busy doing something other than on the net. I find it boring as hell now and mostly pop on to see my wonderful supportive friends and how they are doing. I love all of them ♥.

Cheers!

The week before…

This is the last week of my 30’s, I turn 40 next week. Its been a monumental spiritual growth year for me because of the big number I’m turning, I’ve changed what I will do in the future. Firstly, I’m leaving my past exactly where it is. No more reaching out to folks, I want very little of my time wasted on people who weren’t really friends/family with me to begin with. This was a problem I had, always being friendly accepting and chipper, no more. My ex husband is also banished to this mental behind the fence area, he hasn’t contacted his children in years and I’m done wasting any time thinking about him. Familiar BS, as in my family treating me like shit, no more. My intimate relationships are being held up to a higher standard too, I better see some good ole change or I’m out, tired of bullshit & promises broken. Sounds awful but I’ve actually freed myself from a lot of heartache doing this, this emotionally abused dirty doormat is done.

Rheumatology wise, I have gotten worse. Its been a gradual decline but I notice it. I am able to do less, have more pain and as a result more depression and anxiety because of the decline in my health. It wasnt an overnight omg things are worse kind of thing, just something I’ve noticed over the last year. I see other rheumies happily chatting about how many miles they ran today, all I can think about is how much my left hip hurts f I move any part of my body. If you are in the same situation as me you may have experienced blinding pain, where everything goes white and you yell because you can’t help it. That’s my hip, just one joint, brings me to tears. I really do wish I could move, movement is important to human beings and if you can’t get around something is lost, your psyche knows it.

My children are my joy, they do not understand how sick I am right now and that’s a good thing. They have time to figure out who/what they want to be. A quest in life that doesn’t need to be bogged down by worrying about Mom. They joy I have about watching and listening to them learn new things, new experiences, is priceless. Both are healthy, strong and focused. Most of all loving, what more could a parent want?

Hopes for a warm Autumn and less pain ~

August quickie…

It truly hurts to know or hear of anyone suffering. There are hundreds of processes in the human body that need to work ‘just right’ for humans to be mobile, think, rest, heal, you name it. If you really think about it, its miraculous so many people are upright and moving. Screw with any of these natural processes and it can throw you off course and into the abyss. I miss abilities healthy people take for granted, I am adhd and hyper (before I got RA). These feelings still exist but I have to ignore them, its torture. My inherent self wants to be moving, all the time. I miss the motion of life and feeling like I could do it all, but that’s not possible anymore. A big part of me wants to boot people who can move but just sit stagnant in the ass just for being lazy.

Appreciate what you can do, kick the arse of folks who can, but don’t do. I’d gladly take your mobility.

Truly the best medicine…

Yesterday was a voyage into hell, it felt like my legs had taken a shot-gun blast to them. I relented and took tramadol because the pain was difficult to hide, you know it’s bad when you cannot conceal it. The pain was relieved to a bearable level and managed to go out for a drive to a local park for some people watching. A little boy had his cat on a leash, have to say it was amusing because, well, it was a cat on a leash. 😀 Kitty did not cooperate and wanted to do his own thing (of course) its tail was flicking all over the place and the area is au naturel parkland with trees, birds, grass and plenty of room and that 6 ft leash did not cut it. The little boy was patient and tried to lead kitty back to their vehicle, it took awhile to get in that general direction. We were giggling and a couple of women walking up the path were too, what can I say, cat on a leash. 😀

It’s very important to get out and laugh, it felt damn good.

See you in September 🙂

Another brick in the wall?

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I forgot to mention, I’ve been slacking off of my meds lately and as a result friday I felt as though I was thrown into a brick wall. I also noticed something else the last 10 days or so, my appetite came back. I was actively seeking out food, BAD food, and put on a few lbs as a result. I’ll give it to ya auto-immune disease, one of the rarities where having an appetite is a bad sign of sorts. No appetite to me = meds are working, appetite = bad things going on because you’re not sick from the meds working? That make sense at all? I hope so. Wish I could fight this disease head on, because I’d beat it to death several times over just to be sure.

~Namaste