The hole.

I have been dealing with a really bad bout of depression lately. Unfortunately I still see ignorant and thoughtless reactions to it.

Just throwing my opinion out there but why can you no longer express emotions that are not sunshine and rainbows? I find most are extremely uncomfortable with pain. Emotional and physical. Why? Pain and hurt are normal emotions we all experience. It is quite absurd to me that human beings are so fearful of it. I don’t understand the fear of reaching out to someone who is hurting at all.

I know of many who experience depression and many of them keep silent. I understand why. People will go out of their way to avoid you and your ‘misery’. Also you’re stigmatized to high hell. Because that’s what people do to others with illness. I’ve been asked what I consider ridiculous questions. Talk to someone? Get help? Blah blah blah. I have had medication resistant depression for 35 years now. In that time frame I’ve talked to psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and Doctors. Tried every medication that is safe for me. Crisis lines, friends and family. Nothing has ever gotten rid of it permanently.

If you have depression you have my sympathy and understanding. It’s like having a rabid angry monkey on your back all the time. And sometimes modern medicine and therapy does not help.

It is not your fault.

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Slipping off the rope …

I’m in a big ole hole thinking too much, thing is what I think about is important, just very distressing. I try very hard not to think about ‘family’ too much, but it’s kinda hard when it’s always being thrown in your face, by tv, social media and the like. Thing is the only family I have are my Mom & my kids, the other people who like to pop in every few years just for something to do I guess, are not my family. They know nothing about me and don’t care to, hell if ‘family’ was so damn important why did no one mention to me or my mother that her brother, my uncle, DIED last year??? I don’t get it, I never hear boo from anyone, my sister was invited to a family reunion this spring. Guess who got invited recently because they FORGOT I existed, if I am an oversight 99% of the time, why the hell antagonize me with oh we just want family to know family, bullshit. Apparently it was not that important that I or my mother to know my uncle had died because no one bothered to let us know. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened, with my family and my extended family. My ex in-laws are nowhere to be seen for my kids sake, it’s like their Dads & his side of the family just fell off the face of the earth. I’m assuming much here but considering my ex’s skank’s spawn is on his list of FB friends, but his own daughter isn’t. I’m quite sure they’re doing their best as well to forget my kids are even on the earth. Anything ‘family’ turns me off and leaves a nasty taste behind, the last family reunion I went to in 1997 was only because my favourite uncle phoned me personally and asked me to come, he passed away in 2006 I miss him terribly. That one uncle and one other uncle were the only ones who knew who I was and cared to ask about me. No one else wanted me there, go figure. My one sister has made damn sure we were never a part of her or her kids life, they are strangers to me now. She left town when I was 13/14 and I haven’t spoken to her in the last 12 yrs or so. Her choice and that’s fine by me. Why have people in your life that constantly hurt you? no point.

Family is one of those things either you haveĀ or you don’t. There is no in between, there’s no repairing of 30+ years of indifference.

All I want is for the emotional pain to stop, the exclusionary feeling to go away and for me to find a place that makes me happy.

Not easy to do when you have no back-up. Everything hurts anymore.