Truly the best medicine…

Yesterday was a voyage into hell, it felt like my legs had taken a shot-gun blast to them. I relented and took tramadol because the pain was difficult to hide, you know it’s bad when you cannot conceal it. The pain was relieved to a bearable level and managed to go out for a drive to a local park for some people watching. A little boy had his cat on a leash, have to say it was amusing because, well, it was a cat on a leash. 😀 Kitty did not cooperate and wanted to do his own thing (of course) its tail was flicking all over the place and the area is au naturel parkland with trees, birds, grass and plenty of room and that 6 ft leash did not cut it. The little boy was patient and tried to lead kitty back to their vehicle, it took awhile to get in that general direction. We were giggling and a couple of women walking up the path were too, what can I say, cat on a leash. 😀

It’s very important to get out and laugh, it felt damn good.

See you in September 🙂

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The Watcher…

Ever feel like you’re watching everyone else live their lives? My life whether I like it or not revolves around how I’m feeling and what I can do on any given day. I have a few friends who are getting married, expecting children or planning on family shortly. I am on the cusp of middle age, don’t plan on getting married again, I’m no ring chaser, it’s not for me. It just seems like everyone is doing SOMETHING. I have to admit I envy the family my friends seem to have hit the jackpot on, lots of people seem close and connected, I never feel that way with my family. I would love to have the freedom to make plans perhaps have another child, travel and go out, but realistically it’s just not possible. I use to be the kind of person who made plans months in advance and a had at least 3 trips per year planned out ahead of time. Everyday was a new adventure without limits. It’s kinda cool that many people nowadays find love, family and companionship at an older age, a few years ago it was common to think that anyone over 40 was screwed and would never get married if they haven’t yet. One old stereotype I will not miss!

Eventually there is an answer…

I’ve wanted to talk about how life can spin you around and leave you in wonder. I had both of my kids young, was a parent of 2 by the time I was 20. At the time back then I was young, frazzled and didn’t know my arse from my elbow. I was a stay at home Mom, my husband worked a lot. I can remember those days of raccoon eyes, getting up early making 3 meals a day, most days anyway. My son developed bad asthma @ 4 yrs old and required quite a few trips to the ER in the middle of the night when the nebulizer & inhaler didn’t cut the mustard. In those days while doing dishes, cooking or cleaning I would ask God, I know there’s a reason I’m going through this so young and I hope one day you’ll share with me why. It was a tough time, never enough money, 2 bickering siblings (trust me they love each other) and the work never ended. If I needed groceries I had to walk and take 2 little children with me, the toy wagon earned its keep for pulling tired kids home whilst I was carried groceries. I walked everywhere, taking the kids to the park and then school etc. I had energy to burn and thought it would be that way for me until old age, I still didn’t have my answer. Time keeps going on no matter how much you’d like to slow it down, after an affair and yrs of trying to get past it, it was divorce time. It was what I needed to do to have a chance at a happy life, I tried my damnedest but 6 yrs post affair I was still miserable. I thought of suicide nightly, when the person laying next to you in bed is colder than a stranger to you, things need to change. I was terrified, scared shitless you name it but I made a choice and that was to live even if that meant poverty. I was fully motivated to go back to school and get a decent job that would have made me happy, being a health care aide of all things. My ex husband helped out with finances in the beginning but eventually cut back what he contributed, on advice of the ‘other woman’ I’m sure. Yup, that’s right 6 yrs after the dumb move that tanked my marriage he went and found that gutter trash again, just to hurt me and ended up in a relationship with her. I feel no sympathy for either, she ruined her marriage and mine, sucks to be you doesn’t it? My kids FATHER and I use that term loosely, has not contacted either of them in 2 yrs, birthdays, Xmas, nothing. It makes me sick to even think of it and I feel guilty for ever letting him reproduce with me, just goes to show after 17 yrs together I didn’t know him at all. It’s a part of my life I don’t miss at all but I do feel for my kids who do not deserve to be treated that way. I have enough love for them both. There are no excuses, both have their own phones and their ph #’s have not changed, but he can’t dial I guess. Anyways enough with that it was 5 yrs ago when I asked for the separation and got on with my life. I entered a gov’t program to learn career and life skills for abused women, for me it was emotional abuse others in the class had experienced different kinds of abuse from men. I was excited and determined to enjoy the rest of my life. For those who are not familiar, our provincial gov’t will provide financial support as long as you are going to your courses. Well with any high concentration of people there’s going to be germ parties and I noticed some of the girls would come in sick, no biggie I thought, just be neurotic about washing my hands etc. Unfortunately strep doesn’t listen to clean hands and I ended up with a nasty infection and was only able to get 1 day off of class, any more days and I would be cut off financially. So back to school I went because well lets face it, I have 2 kids at home and being cut off financially is just not Ok in that situation. I took a 2 week course of antibiotics and thought the worst was over.  Wrongo! I ended up getting sick again as the other ladies in the course kept coming in sick too for the same reason, we all had kids and being cut off was NOT an option. This time the infection was on the right side of my face, that’s right the whole side of my face was a microbe party, the infection eventually ruptured through my ear canal from the pressure the infection caused. There was no where for it to escape. I tell you what though, if you go into a medical clinic and tell them blood is coming out of your ear, you will get seen very fast by a Dr. Another round of antibiotics for me, strong ones too, and yet I still had to go to school under the same threat, come or you’ll be cut off. I kept going to school with my head pounding from the pressure of the infection and ended up making quite the scene with my ‘worker’.  In a nutshell I called them a bunch of assholes for making me come in this ill and for making anyone who was sick come in. I was then labelled unpredictable and aggressive for telling them the truth and not putting up with their bullshit. I kept up as long as I could but was never the same after the 2nd infection. I didn’t understand why I didn’t ‘feel better’ like I did before. My energetic self had become extremely lethargic & fatigued. My boyfriend at the time made this comment during my 2nd infection while I lay in bed with my head screaming if I moved it, ‘are you just going to lay in bed all day?’ my response was… why yes I am, the relationship ended shortly thereafter, I have never met anyone as unsympathetic as him. I was burned out after it all and silly me thought if I rested I would eventually get well. Nope, and there in 2009 when my kids were 17 & 16 I began my quest to find out what was wrong with me and in 2011 I got my answer, to both questions, the one where I asked God why I was a young parent and also why I never felt the same again…. When I got sick both kids were old enough to do for themselves and basically only required occasional guidance. Now I know why I had them young, because parenthood would have probably been denied to me as I got too sick to do much of anything anymore after the disease process began, and I’m very grateful for them, they are my rocks, my sunshine and my joy.

Next week I’m participating in a round table about Rheumatoid Arthritis, where I can bare my soul. Hope to be back blogging here the week after. 🙂

Grown…

Last week I was thinking about blogging about my earlier life experiences, school etc. But I couldn’t be arsed to write more than one sentence. Cruising the net for blogs I came across someone I went to school with many years ago and quite honestly I was taken aback. He was expressing extreme anger and bitterness at those times and I’m thinking that was +/- 30 friggen years ago! And it wasn’t just one post. As kids we all were at one time the asshole or the receiver of another asshole, I know of no one who didn’t experience both, given 10+ years of public school. If I was expressing that kind of anger all the time I’d hope someone would step up and let me know. It’s not likely anymore since my diagnosis, I’ve become very picky about what gets my time and hating and seething anger don’t even rate. It’s sad really, I hope he can move on, life is to short.

Pred, pred go away…

Tapering off of prednisone right now, pred is one of those meds that helps you up one minute and backhands you the next. I can feel the pain coming back, sore tendons returning, BAH!! The first week or so starting at 20mg was wonderful I could rest, got things done. Now for the rage, tiredness & pain that comes from roid withdrawal. It was that bad, to be willing to take pred for any kind of relief. Now the price is being paid, we all need a cure, its insanity that we’re told to ‘deal with it’ or our pain is ignored. If it was a different disease the mere suggestion that we don’t need pain relief or treatment would be considered inhumane!! Thinking of all those with negligible pain treatment today.

Pain et al…

Not having a good time of it lately, on Friday I almost felt normal. Had low pain, if any and was baffled by the sensation of it. I hoped it would last and I did as much as I could, but no, back to pain on Saturday. The weekend was filled with the usual, looking at everything that needed done and just sighing my resignation. The house I’m currently in is much too large, along with a yard and single car garage there is no way this rheumie could take care of it all. When I moved here in Dec 2010 I was healthier and my son still lived at home, it made more sense then. Today I found myself in my sons old room, crying, my home had no point in my thinking, why bother? With any of it? Along with that I noticed the amount of stuff I had, and its lack of usefulness now. When I was healthy it would be nothing to take care of a 3 floored home and a yard, and I did. Things have changed much to my dislike 😦 and what I need in a home has changed drastically. Now I need 1 floor (stairs kill me every time) a neat and organized space for a few things, I own all my appliances, but now moving them is extremely difficult. I bought furniture in 2011 for the finished basement, looking back if I’d known how little it would be used I’d saved that $ instead :(. I’m going to try my best to reduce the stuff I buy and sell the excess, even though I’ll never get what I paid. My hurting heart is another story, I’m not sure how to make everything right again, to be happy and move forward. I feel haunted by the past and try as I might, I cannot shake it. Even my dreams are not off-limits to this torture, I dream of ppl and places that are no longer here and the dream itself is warped, wonderful places I’ve been distorted my the sub conscious mind. I’ve often wondered if I moved out of this city permanently, if the bad juju would go too. To find relief from hell the prospect is interesting at least. Edmonton has grown from @300,000 to 1 mil over the last 30 yrs, I remember the big small town feel it had then. Now the oil sands run this province, high crime, high rent, high cost of living, at the same time not everyone here works in oil. If leaving here would give me relief from twisted dreams and memory hell, I’d be all for it. I’m not sure that’s how it works though, here I lay bewildered by the world, my life and how things use to be. I have to wonder if it’s these damn RA meds causing me all this grief.

What’s it worth?

This past weekend was a doozy, ‘M’ my bf of 4 yrs got a chance at a job with better pay. That’s where the good idea ends, Sunday night he left for a ride along to check it out…. Saturday evening I was made aware that this job was out-of-town, I knew that part already. What I didn’t know was that M would be out-of-town 5 days then home for 2. At first I thought well no biggie, yrs ago when I was still married my now ex husband would be out-of-town for weeks at a time. Mind you I wasn’t happy with him at all and couldn’t wait for him to leave, too much tension too many bad times in our Marriage. It was easy to be without him around, even with 2 elementary school aged children. That was most definitely THEN, now is a different story, I realized very quickly how much my life had changed and what I need now is much different from back then. I panicked, had a severe panic attack wondering if I’d be able to stand and walk tomorrow or if I’d be able to feed the dogs etc. My world stopped, I spent half the night crying, scared out of my wits. I eventually fell asleep and when I woke up I was better, until M phoned me. It triggered the anxiety and reminded me how far away he was, I ended up getting sick and no I didn’t make it to the bathroom. RA has taken my speed and agility, did I mention I ran into a dresser in the hallway? I spent the rest of that day in bed trying to relax. During that time I had to question the benefits versus negatives of this ‘great job’. 5 years ago I ended up rebooting my life, because $ was not making me happy. That and having a (ex)husband who went out of his way to avoid me & his children for the almighty dollar, for his benefit (ex) he prolly thought it would help. Even though I begged for the opposite, spend time with me & the kids, please! After waiting/trying for many yrs I finally decided it was enough and asked for a separation.

That was it, after 17 yrs and without a doubt proof that money does not equal happiness, brings me to here. M would be receiving good pay, but he’d never be here. Also came to find out that for that ‘great pay’ he’d be working @320 hrs a month on a fixed salary that wasn’t so great. So me and M agreed he’s going to get a better job here in the city. Where we can be together and be a family like Id always wanted. M didn’t enjoy being away from me either 😉 Now my home doesn’t feel like an empty shell anymore 🙂

Money’s not all it’s cracked up to be, yes it pays rent, bills etc. Given a choice, I’ll take love over it every time, money can’t buy that.

My feature photo is of a cute hummingbird ceiling fan pull M got me while he was out of town that night ❤

xo sending soft huggs to anyone who needs one, God bless.