The week before…

This is the last week of my 30’s, I turn 40 next week. Its been a monumental spiritual growth year for me because of the big number I’m turning, I’ve changed what I will do in the future. Firstly, I’m leaving my past exactly where it is. No more reaching out to folks, I want very little of my time wasted on people who weren’t really friends/family with me to begin with. This was a problem I had, always being friendly accepting and chipper, no more. My ex husband is also banished to this mental behind the fence area, he hasn’t contacted his children in years and I’m done wasting any time thinking about him. Familiar BS, as in my family treating me like shit, no more. My intimate relationships are being held up to a higher standard too, I better see some good ole change or I’m out, tired of bullshit & promises broken. Sounds awful but I’ve actually freed myself from a lot of heartache doing this, this emotionally abused dirty doormat is done.

Rheumatology wise, I have gotten worse. Its been a gradual decline but I notice it. I am able to do less, have more pain and as a result more depression and anxiety because of the decline in my health. It wasnt an overnight omg things are worse kind of thing, just something I’ve noticed over the last year. I see other rheumies happily chatting about how many miles they ran today, all I can think about is how much my left hip hurts f I move any part of my body. If you are in the same situation as me you may have experienced blinding pain, where everything goes white and you yell because you can’t help it. That’s my hip, just one joint, brings me to tears. I really do wish I could move, movement is important to human beings and if you can’t get around something is lost, your psyche knows it.

My children are my joy, they do not understand how sick I am right now and that’s a good thing. They have time to figure out who/what they want to be. A quest in life that doesn’t need to be bogged down by worrying about Mom. They joy I have about watching and listening to them learn new things, new experiences, is priceless. Both are healthy, strong and focused. Most of all loving, what more could a parent want?

Hopes for a warm Autumn and less pain ~

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The 40 or f**k it list…

This year will be a big one for me, I turn 40 in the fall. I’ve decided to tie up any loose ends of my life before the big 4-0. A few of those things were, reaching out to old friends for the last time, most of them I’ve learned never were my friends really. I will not seek them out again after 40. Another one was hopefully, fingers crossed, was my families commitment to not treating me like shit anymore, eg; bringing up some humiliating experience when I was a kid, talking about me like I was stupid, treating me as if I wasn’t family or looking at me like something was wrong with me. Didn’t happen, so in future any mention of my youth by them will be met with the sheer force of my fluent mouth and a bitch slap with my verbage. Other things like getting out of debt are on my f**k it list too. But the family one was most important, I will not be treated like shit anymore by any of them, I wasn’t included in many family get togethers in my younger yrs and they’re ok with that. So I will be ok refusing to be hurt & stressed by the joke of it all. Also on the list is my ex-husband, this is the year I stop asking my kids if he’s made any sort of contact with them, his problem now. I will not mention or ask about him again, he shit in his own nest.

The f**k it list is all about laying the past to rest and moving forward onto new things, I dont have the health or time for any of it. It’s like a big ole sweep out of the brain. That part of my life is over and I need to start the next 40 with fresh eyes and an open heart. It just seemed important for me, I want to be free of any baggage & free to learn new things and ways of doing them.

This was the year I hoped for a breakthrough with my rheumy, not for a cure, just for acknowledgement of my pain & fatigue. My bloodwork is good with numbers in the normal range, (currently taking enbrel) but I am effin EXHAUSTED all the time. I was very disappointed when my rheumy blamed it on fibro and again refused my request for stronger pain meds. I am now discussing with me, myself and I if I should look into a new rheumy.

This year is going to be a doozey.