Yesterday was a voyage into hell, it felt like my legs had taken a shot-gun blast to them. I relented and took tramadol because the pain was difficult to hide, you know it’s bad when you cannot conceal it. The pain was relieved to a bearable level and managed to go out for a drive to a local park for some people watching. A little boy had his cat on a leash, have to say it was amusing because, well, it was a cat on a leash. 😀 Kitty did not cooperate and wanted to do his own thing (of course) its tail was flicking all over the place and the area is au naturel parkland with trees, birds, grass and plenty of room and that 6 ft leash did not cut it. The little boy was patient and tried to lead kitty back to their vehicle, it took awhile to get in that general direction. We were giggling and a couple of women walking up the path were too, what can I say, cat on a leash. 😀
It’s very important to get out and laugh, it felt damn good.
I forgot to mention, I’ve been slacking off of my meds lately and as a result friday I felt as though I was thrown into a brick wall. I also noticed something else the last 10 days or so, my appetite came back. I was actively seeking out food, BAD food, and put on a few lbs as a result. I’ll give it to ya auto-immune disease, one of the rarities where having an appetite is a bad sign of sorts. No appetite to me = meds are working, appetite = bad things going on because you’re not sick from the meds working? That make sense at all? I hope so. Wish I could fight this disease head on, because I’d beat it to death several times over just to be sure.
I’ve come up with a new term for Rheumatoid Arthritis, masochistic disease. It isin’t alone in that group either, feel free to throw in your own nightmare disease too. There’s no mistaking it, you KNOW it’s there. I know some other God awful diseases are silent killers too, insidious, lurking and unknown. I am not sure which group is worse? Both are vile.
Ever feel like you’re watching everyone else live their lives? My life whether I like it or not revolves around how I’m feeling and what I can do on any given day. I have a few friends who are getting married, expecting children or planning on family shortly. I am on the cusp of middle age, don’t plan on getting married again, I’m no ring chaser, it’s not for me. It just seems like everyone is doing SOMETHING. I have to admit I envy the family my friends seem to have hit the jackpot on, lots of people seem close and connected, I never feel that way with my family. I would love to have the freedom to make plans perhaps have another child, travel and go out, but realistically it’s just not possible. I use to be the kind of person who made plans months in advance and a had at least 3 trips per year planned out ahead of time. Everyday was a new adventure without limits. It’s kinda cool that many people nowadays find love, family and companionship at an older age, a few years ago it was common to think that anyone over 40 was screwed and would never get married if they haven’t yet. One old stereotype I will not miss!
Ugh, everyday a new fascinating mystery for me to solve in the rheum playground. For the last few days the inside of my mouth has felt as though I’d been chewing fiberglass like bubblegum. Like a million tiny razor blades had their way with my mouth, anything I eat tastes & has the consistancy of dirty gravel off a road. Throw in a strange and gross metallic flavour and you’ve got the makings of a wtf is this disease doing to me now?
I think that while this is going on im giving up food again, it all tastes gross and ive tried desperate tactics to make it appetizing, including high fat deep fried anything. Nada, couldn’t manage to force myself to eat by putting those formerly sought after fattening foods out there. Im truly screwed, on the weird side I’ll get all kinds of praiseful remarks at my weight loss, they don’t flatter me. All I can think of when I hear those comments is now I can no longer enjoy food. Ive lost enough before that, my ability to run, to work my arse off and actually accomplish something, gardening, bake and cook like I use to, this is just another slap in the face. I loved cooking and I loved eating (I was not slim by any means) I loved taking care of my family.
Another thing this brings up for me is remarks that weight loss will help my arthritis, well I would think 50lbs less of me would give me some kind of improvement that would be noticable, but no, my pain has worsened over the last year. I know extra poundage is good for no one, the only tangeble benefits of weight loss are cardiovascular ones. Less stress on the heart, less fats building up around your heart and into your bloodstream, less blood to pump because of reduction of body mass. We RA’ers need to be extra protective of our hearts and cardio systems. I think our chances of cardiovascular disease doubles with having RA.
I miss you tastey food, hopefully what ever it is, buggers off shortly.
Today I was told by a medical professional (not my rheumy, go figure) about baseline pain and truthfully I was not happy about it. MD explained it as such, that what I’m feeling right now and possibly forever, is my baseline mark for pain. Meaning pain, pain and more pain. If I didn’t take tramadol or naproxen I’d be extremely miserable with pain, that I may flare and feel even WORSE. Sometimes those 2 are not enough and I still experience break through pain and currently the RA forecast is tendonitis with a good chance of random joint pain. The appointment left me feeling discouraged and beaten, I don’t want to be in pain for the rest of my life, however long that may be. MD mentioned a pain clinic and I cringed, I am very unwilling to give up my mmj, to be substituted by narcotics. That may not sound good but sometimes the mmj bridges me over a really bad time and I can escape the current reality of RA leaving its scar on me. I’ll go to the clinic and talk to them there just to see if they can offer me anything, but I think it’s ridiculous that I have to make a special appointment JUST for the pain.
I spend too much time wishing I was somewhere else other than my body.
Here I am sore as fuck, tired blah blah and can’t sleep. All I want to do is sleep but can’t, what a clusterf***. Going to tell Dr sleep is not happening even with meds, painkillers. I hate this, I hate RA and all autoimmune disease, to know that many suffer with this shit makes it even harder to be ok with it. I’ve lost a total of 53lbs from NOT EATING, and RA meds. I wish I could say it was a fun healthy way to lose weight, but I’m really missing enjoying food, it was one thing I loved, tastey food! And I had the girth to show it, strange thing is I was healthier when I was heavier, more active too. That was before RA hit hard, now I weigh less but do much less around the home, makes sense right? Like everything else along with RA it does not, people are usually impressed by weight loss but I don’t recommend this way of weight loss. It’s friggen awful to waste away, it’s not pleasant.